Hi! 

My name is Daniell. I’m 20 years old and the creator of the Internal Acceptance Movement (I. A.M.).

I live in Los Angeles, California, and have been blogging for I. A.M. for 3 years. 

In September of 2008, in my sophomore year of high school, I developed anorexia. In November 2009, my eating disorder switched from anorexia to bulimia. I have been grappling with bulimia ever since. 

I’ve been to several outpatient, residential, and hospitalization treatment programs in the four years that I have been battling my eating disorder. With so much treatment under my belt, there are definitely times when I want to label myself as a failure because I “still haven’t recovered yet.”

I do know however, that recovery is a process, and every recovery is unique, both in time length and form. Just like I cannot compare my body to other people, I cannot compare my recovery with other people’s recovery. 

The idea for I. A.M. came to me in a body image group when I was in an outpatient treatment center in the summer of 2009. 

We watched a youtube video for the Dove Campaign for real beauty about stop fat talk. 

Afterwards, the therapist leading the group had us find a bunch of triggering advertisements in magazines. Our assignment was to recreate the advertisement using recovery-minded ideals and healthy body image. 

I remember realizing that negative body image, comparisons, and fat talk don’t just affect people with eating disorders—the have an influence on everyone, from 8 year olds to 60 year olds, of all shapes, sizes, religious backgrounds, and ethnicities.

I remember feeling incredibly empowered but also very angry.

Angry that such young children felt the same hate I did about my body.

Angry that the media had such a strong influence over the way we feel about ourselves.

Angry that there are tv shows about the celebrity “Best and Worst beach bodies”, seeming to send the message that how you look in a bikini is more important than you who are.

Angry that magazines compared how one celebrity wore a dress to how the other wore it and who wore it better, teaching readers to compare their bodies and appearance to other people, and ultimately, teaching us how to hate our bodies.

I am angry that 10 million people struggle with eating disorders.

I am angry that millions more, without eating disorders, hate their bodies and who they are regardless.

But most of all, I was angry that no one seemed to really be doing anything about it.

I was angry that we watched these tv shows, read those magazine articles, listened to the fat talk of our friends and mothers and fathers, and stood silent, saying nothing, allowing this form of self-sabatoge and condemnation to go, allowing it to become normal.

I decided that I was going to stand up and use my voice.

I decided that I was going to make a difference.

I knew I was only one person, and that change would be hard to bring about alone, but I was determined to make my best effort.

I started the Internal Acceptance Movement as a facebook group. Members consisted of close family friends, but grew to encompass people from all over the world of all different ages and backgrounds, each with their own story, each hoping to end this war wage with our body and our soul.

I have talked with so many amazing and wonderful people from across the globe. The most rewarding aspect of I. A.M. for me, is the connection I make with the people I meet and talk to. It’s knowing that through this connection, I am not alone.

I. A.M. has been such a gift and I am so incredibly grateful for all the support and kindness I have received. It is one of the biggest motivators in my recovery.

Despite everything my eating disorder has taken away from me and all the pain it has brought about, I still would not trade my life with someone else’s. 

Without going through what I have, I would not be the person I am today. I would not have the self-awareness and insight into who I am that I now possess. I would not be writing this blog.

We all have struggles. We all make mistakes. Our lives aren’t perfect and things will go wrong. But I also really believe that we can grow a beautiful flower out of the ashes of a tragedy. 

I am not recovered from my eating disorder and have daily ups and downs. My life is very much a three steps forward, two steps back kind of process. But no matter what happens, despite lapses, relapses, and errors in judgement, I will never stop picking myself back up off the ground. 

I know that recovery is possible, and that I deserve to be happy. And so do you :)

At the same time, my eating disorder is not who I am. It is a part of my life, but it doesn’t define me. 

I can’t go back in time and erase my past.

But, I CAN take the steps right now, to make a better today and tomorrow.