Hi Daniell, I lost my virginity last year and I feel really dirty and used. I really do love the man I lost it to, and it's not that I didn't want to become more intimate with him, I really did and I still do. But when I'm away from him, I can't help but feel like I'm worthless trash. As a kid, I was molested, and I think this relates with how I feel about myself now, after losing my virginity. I honestly never really thought too much about virginity- I mean I wasn't planning on (part 1)

(part 2) saving it for marriage, but for some reason I just feel so worthless. My boyfriend knows that the first time we had sex, I had trouble concentrating (I would kind of drift off, not focus on the intimacy and go into another world). Now, my mind doesn’t disassociate like this any more, but I still can’t escape feelings of worthlessness. Also, my boyfriend knows about my past, but I don’t want to bring up how I feel. I don’t want to make him feel like he took advantage of me- I love him

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It breaks my heart knowing that you’ve had to go through that as I child :[ Know one deserves to be abused in that way, ever.

I cannot even imagine the pain you must be holding inside, and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that your feelings of worthlessness and dissociation during sex are a result of being molested when you were younger. 

The fact that you have an awareness about what is going on and that you were able to connect it with your past is huge. Awareness is the first step to healing. The next steps are breaking the silence surrounding what happened and seeking professional help.

Unfortunately, I’m not a therapist and therefore don’t have the tools to be able to help someone who has been through the trauma you’ve experienced. But as someone who has however been in treatment with several women who have faced molestation, rape, and sexual abuse, I can tell you with absolutely certainty that the only way they were able to free themselves from the feelings of worthlessness and heal from the pain was by seeking help, talking about it, and working through the thoughts. 

Know that the feeling of worthlessness is a belief taught to you by the person who molested you. It’s a false belief that you have internalized and taken on as your own. Just as you were taught by this person that you are worthless, you can reteach yourself healthy, healing-conducive thoughts. Just as you’ve learned to see yourself as being inadequate and without value, you can learn to unconditionally love and accept yourself.

Healing from the trauma you’ve experienced and retraining your brain is by no means easy, but if you reach out, stay determined, and don’t give up, it is possible. 

Given that communication is such an integral part of a relationship, I definitely think that you should be honest with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. He probably can tell that something is up and that you’re hurting, but doesn’t know why and doesn’t want to bring something up that could be painful.

I think that you can let him know how you’re feeling without him internalizing it by telling your boy friend exactly what you told me and how your trauma is the cause of the way you feel—not the sex you had and not your boyfriend. 

In order to heal, you’re going to need the support of your loved ones. Don’t shut out your boyfriend or keep him in the dark. He loves you and cares for you, despite your past. Trust that you won’t push him away. Trust that he is willing to do whatever it takes to support you. 

Staying silent about your feelings is never the answer. Talking about what’s going on and bringing our problems into the light is how we heal.

Know that you aren’t alone in how you feel or what you’re going through, and you definitely don’t have to face this pain alone.

Remind yourself that despite everything you’ve been through, you have survived. Yes you are wounded, but you aren’t broken.

You can and will heal. You are so much stronger than you know.

Don’t give up.

Sending you so much love and strength,

Daniell