I’m so sorry that you’re struggling and hurting so much :[
I think it’s important for you to examine the way in which you were losing weight and how that could be factoring into your urges to binge.
I say this because based on you wrote, it sounds like the methods you are using to lose weight aren’t healthy ones :/
If this is the case, know that dieting and restricting ALWAYS leads to binging. In order to stop the binge urges, you have to stop denying yourself the foods your body craves. You have to consistently and adequately nourish your body. It’s the only way.
Even though restricting is one of the main causes of binging, it is not the only cause. More often than not, our urges to binge our brought by something. Identifying your triggers is a key part of fighting the urges. Make a list of the situations, people, or feelings that you have found lead you to want to binge and/or restrict, and beneath each, come up with a healthy, recovery conducive way to cope that doesn’t involve abusing your body.
I definitely want to challenge the idea that you should stop eating junk food. I can imagine that you feel you shouldn’t eat it is because you’ve been taught by society that it’s “bad food”. It may not have as much nutritional value as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains, but that doesn’t make it bad. Everything is okay in moderation.
The reason you want to binge on “junk food” is because you don’t allow yourself to eat it when you get a craving for it. By depriving yourself, you are internalizing the message: I am not allowed to eat this food, which in turn, makes you want to eat it even more because it’s forbidden.
When I stopped labeling foods as good and bad, listened to my body’s hunger and fullness cues, gave myself permission to eat food I craved, and stopped restricting, my urges to binge went away.
I promise that if you do the same, you will experience a similar decrease in urges. It isn’t easy to do, but it IS possible.
As someone who used to abuse laxatives, I very much understand the difficulty in stopping. The issue however is that abusing laxatives is more than just a really bad habit. It’s a dangerous, potentially deadly addiction that can cause long term damage in your digestive system.
It’s so dangerous because of how much it dehydrates your body, which in turn, puts a strain on your heart and negatively affects all your internal organs.
Essentially, laxatives are a form of purging. Even though you aren’t vomiting the food, you are still forcing it to come out of your body. By depleting your body, you set yourself up to feel really empty and hungry, which, when coupled with restricting and feelings of deprivation, leads you to binge.
You aren’t going to find freedom from the binging unless you free yourself from the restricting and laxatives.
Because disengaging from behaviors is so difficult, I urge you to see a therapist. I say this a lot but I will say it again—I have never known anyone who got better without outside, professional help.
I also really recommend seeing a dietitian so that you can find a meal plan that is right for you and your body and get support surrounding the food and fighting the urges.
Following a meal plan and sitting with fullness may not be comfortable, but it is a hell of a lot more comfortable than binging and purging and restricting.
I know that losing weight and having a thin body feels incredibly important and necessary in order to be happy, but the truth is that happiness is not synonymous with being thin. The truth is that in order to have a bigger, fuller life, we have to have a bigger body than the one our eating disorder would like us to have.
Because when you’re striving to achieve and maintain an eating disorder thin body, your life shrinks and you end up losing so much more than weight. You lose friends, opportunities, and experiences. You lose energy and the ability to concentrate. You isolate and stop going out and having fun. You become depressed, miserable, and lonely. Living that kind of small life doesn’t make you happy.
You deserve to life a bigger, fuller life than the one you are now leading. But in order to get there, you have to stop engaging in behaviors and accept that in order to be free, you are probably going to have to live in a body that is bigger than you feel comfortable with.
Know that you aren’t alone in your struggles and that you don’t’ have to face them alone.
I’m right there with you, fighting the same fight.
Sending you so much love and strength,
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About The Movement:
My name is Daniell, and I am the creator of the Internal Acceptance Movement (I. A.M.)
Need support? Have a question?
The Internal Acceptance Movement is an online space that advocates self-acceptance, healthy body image, recovery from self-destructive behaviors and addictions, and the acceptance of all people, regardless of what they look like, who they identify as, what they have been through, and where they come from. I. A.M. is a space that offers support to those battling their inner demons and strength to continue fighting when all hope seems to be gone.
I. A.M. represents the idea that as human beings, we aren't defined by anything external, such as our weight, appearance, body shape, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, clothing choices, income, occupation, or background. But that instead, it's our internal qualities--our character and attitude, our passions and dreams, our soul and spirit, our heart and capacity to love, our goals and morals, and the way in which we treat others--that are truly self defining.
Whether you're battling an eating disorder, self-harm, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, anxiety, self-hating thoughts, poor body image, or any other mental health condition or self-destructive behavior, I. A.M. exists to remind you that you are NOT alone in how you feel or what you're going through; that it's okay to not be okay, and that you don't have to face this pain alone; that things can and will get better; that healing and recovery are possible; that there is nothing wrong with who you are; the who you are is enough; and that you are deserving of happiness, love, and acceptance, always.
I'm here if you need me: whether it's support, someone to vent to, a question, or you just want to say hi--know that this is a safe place and that you aren't alone. If I don't respond immediately, know that I'm not ignoring you. I will message you back at my earliest convenience. If you have an emergency or feel that you want to hurt yourself, please, please call 911. I'm not a therapist or a mental health professional of any kind. If you're in danger, you need to ask for help from people who can adequately support you. Sending you love: Daniell